Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
