went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Randomize
