my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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