Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
