when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
