she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
