I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize