I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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