at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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