I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
