please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
