i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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