I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize