Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
