The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
