i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Randomize
