Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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