I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Randomize
