I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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