Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
