I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize