So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
