i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
