My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize