So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
