I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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