You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
where are my eyebrows?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize