My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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