I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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