look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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