Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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