you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
