All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
