So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
please come you make the beer taste better
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
