'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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