Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
