Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm just crazy horny about you
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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