i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
