I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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