Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
