Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
