I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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