Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
