last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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