Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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