so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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