I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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