Fine. I'll sleep in my office
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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