please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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