pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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