dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
