im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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