You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
