Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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