WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
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